Maybe it's just me being a total cynic, but I don't really fancy the idea of "soulmates" at all. I'd say... making your relationship with your other half work takes a lot more effort than just the idea of the both of you being "meant to be". That's when the Knapps Model of Relational Development comes in. It describes the progression and development of relationships in 10 stages.
Simply an instant connection with a stranger or "love at first sight" is almost never going to end up in a successful relationship. We need time and effort in building it. In the first five stages of the Knapps Model of Relational Development, it describes exactly how two people meet, get to know each other, become closer to each other and finally legitimizing the relationship through marriage and starting a family together.
What if a relationship meant to last forever fails? Exactly how does one go back to being all alone after losing your apparent soulmate? Differentiating, Circumscribing, Stagnation, Avoiding and Terminating. The five stages for coming apart in the Knapps Model of Relational Development clearly describes the downfall of any relationship.
Let's reference 2 fictional characters' relationship in regards to the model.
Monica and Chandler, from one of my all-time favourite television sitcoms, FRIENDS.
How did their relationship progress from being mere friends to lovers? Chandler began dropping hints that he was interested in Monica during the first season. He genuinely increased his efforts in season 3, but Monica thought he was joking and expressed little interest in a romantic relationship. At Ross and Emily's wedding in London, a somewhat intoxicated Monica and Chandler slept together. After hooking up in London, they both of them decided that they simply couldn't remain just friends anymore.
Stage 1 - Initiating: They first started testing the waters for the possibility of them dating in season 5.
Stage 2 - Experimenting: The both of them were apprehensive at first, but after seeing Monica being asked out on a date by an attractive doctor, Chandler, upon realizing his true feelings for Monica, got jealous and finally decided to go into a proper relationship with her.
Stage 3 - Intensifying: Throughout season 5, Chandler and Monica embarked on a secret relationship and their friends were completely in the dark about it.
Stage 4 - Integrating: Their friends finally find out about their relationship and the both of them officially comes out as a couple.
Stage 5 - Bonding: Monica proposes to chandler at the end of season 6. They get married at the end of season 7 and adopt kids in season 10.
So, what are your thoughts on "soulmates"? I'm sure the die-hard romantics out there would argue that their other halves are somewhere in the world just waiting to be found!
5 comments:
Hi Chris
I do echo your views about the soulmate part...it is not realistic and it is definitely not a bed of roses or perfect like how they portray couples in movies. Anyway, I find your analysis of the FRIENDS duo to be useful for ppl like me who have never caught friends b4. it's like a crash course in understanding the characters in friends! :)
i remember not being able to watch 'Friends' on TV when i was young due to the late hour it normally airs on TV and it's mostly adult humour. now, much older, and with the power of the internet, i spent a few good months watching the entire series from season 1 to 10. we see the cast grow, mature, and build the relationships between each other over the 10 seasons.
with more than 6 billion people in the world, i would say that mathematically it is impossible for us to have only one person for us. however, i would think that we are like pieces of puzzles. some will only fit with others, but most of us will just as long as the shape is roughly the same.
I like Friends alot. I sumtimes wonder if i will ever have a group of friends like that in real life, where i'm able to share so much chemistry with.
I'll comment on your questions about soulmates in a while, because thinking about the series has thrown up a new perspective for me. The thing about "maintenance roles". I always felt that everyone can play almost any maintenance role, as I have tried to mention in class a few weeks back. In the life of Friends, i'm sure we've seen how various conflicts or minor issues have cropped up over the seasons, and at these different times, different characters have stepped up to perform the various roles of encourager, compromiser, or even harmonizer, amongst others. I do not think we have a fixed role to play, though with our inherent personality we might be inclined to take up a certain position, or depending on the roles already filled in the group.
At this juncture, let us not forget about something we came across in the chapter of Interpersonal Communication. There was something mentioned about how important other people may be in the development of our self-concept. "Looking-glass self", was explained in Sarah Trenholm's book as how we may perceive ourselves based on other's perception about us! I'm bringing this up, because I believe some of us may grown comfortable to certain roles, or "forms" of ourselves, and because at the same time these roles (carried by us) are what others in our circle have grown comfortable with and have come to expect, we stick to "what we are best at". Or so we think, that we are "best" at.
In psychology, we learnt in Chapter 2 that touched on some of the biological aspects, that the brain has tremendous "plasticity" potential. It was emphasized too that the neuron connections were more numerous when we were much younger. Like stem cells that could have gone almost any way before differentiating, perhaps we humans, as children, were like that too. But environmental pressure must have had its hand in shaping us into certain characters, roles, or even personalities.
But i would like to go back to the beginning, where we still have a choice in deciding the person we want to be. We may have grown up and taken up this ... role that we ply, and everyone expects us to play, hence depending on the feedback (or lack thereof) we may expect ourselves to continue with this role, but no, i do not want us to put ourselves into boxes with labels telling us who or what we are.
"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages."
-William Shakespeare
I'm sorry for digressing, but it's just something i needed to get off my chest.
Back to your take on soulmates.. I guess for people who believe in soulmates, the likelihood is that they will more probably end up with their "soulmates", while the people out there who do not believe that there is "the one" out there for them, they will probably find someone who shares such a view. But of course, all relationships require tremendous effort to keep the gears going, it does not mean if you end up with the "perfect" partner it'll all be fine and dandy. If it's worth cherishing, it will be worth fighting for. (=
I still watch Friends, the reruns. And i still find myself laughing out loud.
Soulmates.... they can come in the form of relatives, friends, seniors, you know just any person.
I'm a die hard romantic and I'm sure I be able to meet more soulmates in time to come. =)
sometimes being in the right place, right time helps to find the right person. But nevertheless you should not be always looking out for that soulmate. Take your time and enjoy the flowers...
hey chris,
i think your cross-referencing to Friends is very relevant! (:
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